I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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