So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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