He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I just found a bag of teeth...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
