I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
whose parrot is this?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
