everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize