someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
