saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
