My underwear smells like fireworks.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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