Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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