I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
