If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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