The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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