Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
