Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
