you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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