woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize