I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
