just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
