A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
this just has baby written all over it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
