So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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