don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize