We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I intend to get homeless drunk
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
