Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
