honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
