it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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