i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
