he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
