so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
