i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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