I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
