i jhust puked up my retainher.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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