so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
