i jhust puked up my retainher.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
