I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
