I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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