I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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