life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just invented taco cereal.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
