Umm I'm too high to move.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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