Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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