my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
