Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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