How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
