There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
