my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
