Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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