OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
is wine microwaveable?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
