I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
