apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My balls are so social today.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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