I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
