And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
