dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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