You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
