when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think pants incapable of making pants work
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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