Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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