Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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