she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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