good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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