In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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