I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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