____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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