She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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